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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24327571">I Must Confess, I'm A Bit Of A Mess</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadLesbianClown/pseuds/SadLesbianClown'>SadLesbianClown</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ghostbusters (2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Fluff, Getting Together, One Shot Collection, Some light angst in chapter 3, goats-mentioned, past drug use mentioned briefly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:47:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24327571</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadLesbianClown/pseuds/SadLesbianClown</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>PT. 1 Holtzmann recalls tales of her youth PT. 2 Holtz finds her feelings have grown too loud to ignore and has to confess something to Erin PT. 3 Holtz clears her head with some late night busting</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>These were two scenes in a larger WIP I have since abandoned but I loved these scenes and threw them together in 2 separate but connected chapters. Hope you enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“What were you like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They are sitting in the living room of the firehouse, just the two of them. Abby and Patty had left early for the day to avoid getting snowed in, but Erin and Holtz had stayed behind to work. Now they were curled up on the couch watching the snowfall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When you were younger. What were you like back then?” Erin clarifies. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neither of them had spoken since they sat down an hour ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Wilder than I am now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have a hard time believing that.” Erin laughs to herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You better. It’s true. Me? Traveling the world as Dr. Gorin’s bright protege, on my way to becoming a leading engineer at CERN. There were times to be had.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that when you started living this bachelor lifestyle?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, that from the beginning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.”  Erin says almost disappointed. “Just aren’t a relationship kinda girl, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t say that, no. It wasn’t a choice really. I didn’t start off with an aversion to relationships, just, no one wanted to be in a relationship </span>
  <em>
    <span>with </span>
  </em>
  <span>me. I grew up, I wanted to have sex, so I did. If the only way that was going to happen was in a casual setting I was okay with that. Over time it just became easier. It’s what I knew, and I was on the move so much it seemed impractical to try anything else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about now? I mean your life is pretty stable all things considered. Why not give dating a try.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. Maybe you’re right, I’ll have to think about that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hmm, Erin hums in agreement. “So what else, what mischief was worldly, single-and-ready-to-mingle Holtzmann getting into?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well have I ever told you about the week I briefly had a coke problem?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did coke?” Erin yells. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The soda, Erin. Coca-Cola.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I thought you meant-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Which was laced with cocaine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I bought a case while I was working on a project. Needed that extra caffeine kick, ya know? Turns out it was original recipe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, why would you do that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t intentional! I didn’t know!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How could you not know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was abroad! It seemed expensive but I couldn’t find any in the city, and this was pre-amazon I mind you, I couldn’t just order it, I mean Erin I looked in at least 20 corner stores, and finally, this guy had a case so I splurged in the name of science. Got a lot of work done. Then I started getting horrible heart palpitations and stopped sleeping and I mean stopped sleeping entirely, Dr. Gorin got worried, had me see a doctor, and a quick hop to rehab later I was fine. Can’t even look at a bottle of Coke now without feeling sick though, I turn off the tv when the commercials come on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holtz! You could have gotten hurt! You could have died! I’m glad you were okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Trust me that fact was not lost on me, but by far the most dangerous part of that trip was being chased by that goat. 12 stitches! Which leads me to the Red Light District-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, I think I’ve heard enough for one night,” Erin says with a laugh. “I can only take so many tales of your near-death experiences at a time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They laugh and fall into lighter conversation, but Holtz doesn’t forget what Erin said, maybe it is time for her to start thinking about relationships, one in particular. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Holtzmann can’t say that all of her various hook-ups over the years had been meaningless; just about the sex. She really wanted to say it, that had always been the goal, but she realized pretty early on that she wouldn’t be able to keep her emotions completely at bay. That didn’t mean she wanted to be in a relationship with all the women who warmed her bed. Certainly not. But she found a small, undeniable thread of compassion there. She wanted her partners to enjoy themselves, not just the sex itself. She wanted them to be happy. She liked that feeling. In her life that had always been a challenge. She was the problem child of her family, the weird kid eating alone at lunch, the applicant who had to fuck up her acceptance to CERN with a careless lab accident. But with sex, she found she was anything but a problem. People sought her out and </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>her. And in return the engineer </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> to make them happy. To help them forget their shitty day at work, or just to make them smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And in the bars and coffee shops where they would meet, she cared about what they said. She listened. She can’t pretend to remember half of it, that’s a gift she did not possess, but she did try. And if they gave it to her, she always remembered their names. There was never an incident where she would say “nice meeting you Jean,” when the woman’s name was actually “Kara”, and she certainly had never cried out the wrong name in the heat of the moment, that is until now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Erin,” she says barely over a whisper as she bites at the thigh of the dark haired bartender she met earlier this evening. “Darlin’ tonight I’ll be whoever you want me to be just don’t stop,” the woman replies. A wave of panic rushes over Holtz, but she doesn’t stop. It only invigorates her more. She doesn’t watch as the woman comes apart under her, but she listens and wishes it was someone else screaming her name. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tries to ignore it, write it off, an accident. She’d just come from work, where her and Erin had been working on a new automatic close trap, and she had been drinking, maybe? No. She knew what this was and she had to do something about it. Or rather someone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She used an app this time to meet someone, not her typical technique but this felt less personal, and that’s what she needed. A distraction. She pushed the papers on her bed onto the floor and under her bed, and waited. A few minutes later her buzzer rang. Holtz walked to the window and saw the woman she’d briefly spoken to standing on the sidewalk outside her apartment, she could see the top of her head, red hair flowing onto shoulders covered by a tweed overcoat. Fuck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once she realized she had fallen in love, she knew she could never fall in love just a little bit with a stranger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This wasn’t going to work. There was no way she was going to be able to go spend an afternoon with this woman and think about anything but Erin. The buzzer went off again, but Holtz ignored it. She shut off the light in her living room and stepped away from the window. She sank to the floor and waited. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pulled out her phone and saw a missed text. Of course it was from her. It was a video of baby goats playing with a farm dog. Holtz snorts. She types out a response, “General tso tofu and X-Files? Your place 30 min?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The blue dots, jump in the corner of the screen, “Always!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Great, I’ll bring. See you soon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Holtz grabs her coat and climbs out her bedroom window and onto the fire escape. Which is maybe a bit dramatic, but she really doesn’t want to see that woman, the Not-Erin, again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She arrives at the physicist's door a little while later with a bag of take out and a pint of blueberry fro-yo, Erin’s favorite. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They settle on the couch and Erin retrieves a plate, cutlery for herself, two glasses, and several napkins. She stopped bringing a second plate for Holtz long ago, the engineer insisting that if the chef didn’t want you to eat lo mein directly from the box they wouldn’t have made the containers so holdable and provide chopsticks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Holtzmann smiles at the familiarity of the situation. At Erin, beautiful Erin, curled up on the couch next to her in the bowtie prints socks she’d given the physicist for secret santa last year and that old MIT sweatshirt. The comfortability and ease that settles between them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They are just starting on the second episode when Holtz notices that Erin has reached over to wipe up some duck sauce that’s fallen on her pant leg. She watches in amazement as the brunette works without taking her eyes off the tv, and then...just leaves her hand lingering over her thigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Holtz can’t help it, she feels like she’s going to combust. The words fall out of her mouth faster than she can think them up. “ErinI’minlovewithyou. I’ve always been in love with you I think. And I needed to tell you. I can’t imagine dying, never having told you and honestly that could happen any day; my office is basically a nuclear reactor made of old toyota camrys.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then she’s kissing her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you just stop your own rant by kissing me?” Erin asks with a smile on her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yup,” the engineer responds popping the ‘p’.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, you idiot. Do you think I’d let just anyone spill duck sauce on my sofa?” she says in light jest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So…… does this mean you’d like to be my girlfriend?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Of course Holtzy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Many hours and many misses later, as the newly formed couple had moved into her bedroom Erin confessed, “I don’t know how to do this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Don’t worry, I can show you. I do have some experience in this department,” the blonde said with a wink.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Erin laughed. “I have some experience with this too you know. No, I mean this,” she said sincerely, gesturing between them. “Having a relationship…” The brunette sank back onto her heels.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The engineer sighed, curls falling down to cover her face, she reached her hand across the bed, fingers intertwining with that of her partner’s. Past the blonde locks Erin could see Holtz bite her lip before she spoke barely above a whisper, “neither do I. I’ve loved before. I’ve been with people. But this? Being </span>
  <em>
    <span>in</span>
  </em>
  <span> love with someone, trying to build a relationship that can </span>
  <em>
    <span>last</span>
  </em>
  <span>. No. I’ve never done anything like this before,” punctuating her confession with a slight squeeze of Erin’s hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physicist used her free hand to brush back her love’s hair, cupping her cheek, taking Holtzmann’s lips in her own for a short but tender kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we can figure that out together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>When Holtz needs to run from her marital problems, there's one place she goes.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the aching becomes too much to bare, the walls close in, and Holtz needs to feel alive again, there is one place she goes. Stewart Street Subway Station at 4:30 AM. </p><p> </p><p>She puts on her headphones, turns the volume up, angles the security camera down, and hops onto the tracks. She pushes forward down the tunnel, and when she feels the chill in the air and tastes the salt in on her tongue, she closes her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>She breathes once, deep, and her hands hover over the machinery holstered at her hips. </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go.”</p><p> </p><p>All at once there is the hiss of static electricity which fills the narrow space, ringing in her ears. Strings of red and blue light up the scene and entangle themselves around two former prisoners on the Upper East Side. The engineer drops to her knee as she holds a ghost in tattered black and white uniform by the ankle and rolls him over her back and into an oncoming attacker. 4 down. Than 6. 7. 10 in a particularly effective whips motion. She stares down the last entity, he’s been standing off to the side watching from afar. Holtzmann raises her hand to shoot him down, when a yellow light appears behind him. Shit. As the front of the train runs down the ghost, she turns and runs for the platform, careful to avoid the live tracks and leaps for safety, landing on her elbows with a thud. She rolls onto her back and lets her head lightly fall onto the ground. </p><p> </p><p>She’s soon accompanied by an MTA worker hovering over her. “Ma’am what are doing! You can’t go onto the tracks!”</p><p> </p><p>Holtzmann stood, pulling a badge from her pocket, which has no significance whatsoever but this kid doesn’t know that, “At ease soldier, official Ghostbusters business. Nothing to see here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh of course ma’am, sorry ma’am.”</p><p> </p><p>The blonde wanders home a bit sore, and haunted by something different entirely. <br/><br/></p><p>
  <em>Who are you trying to impress</em>
  <br/>
  <em>~creating such a mess</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Far Away: Junip</em>
  </strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
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